Naughty Playlists

Do You Guys Actually Use Them or Are They Just for Show?

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Dear esteemed reader, the content you are about to consume contains language, themes, and energy not suitable for minors, choirmasters, your shosho, your HR manager, or anyone who still calls it "making love." Bundles will not be refunded for emotional damage. Proceed at own risk. Beep.

Listen, we need to have a very mature, very grown conversation that nobody wants to have because Kenyans are shy in a way that is honestly suspicious considering our population numbers.

Naughty playlists. Do you guys actually use them, or are they just decorating your Spotify like the Bible on your mother’s coffee table that nobody has opened since 2009?

Because aki, let me be honest. I have seen too many men curate playlists titled “Steamy Omondi Timon” with 47 songs, three candles ready, a diffuser bought from Toi Market, and then the actual ting tang lasts the length of one song. Sometimes not even the full song. Sometimes the intro of Wine Slow by Gyptian hasn’t even finished and bro is already asking for water and texting “wewe ulienjoy?”. My brother. Why did you spend forty minutes curating “Slow Wind Sessions Vol 3” if we were going to finish before Gyptian even says “girl”? Ama tuanze kazi ya DJ (Not the one youre thinking about)

And the women, do not think you are safe. I have seen girl on Instagram posting “current rotation 💋” with a screenshot of Twinkle by Dexta Daps on repeat, meanwhile the Mpoa she is dealing with is a born-again deacon who thinks French kissing is a sin against the Holy Spirit. Who is the playlist for, you guy my guy? The neighbours?

Let us talk about the actual songs because this is where it gets interesting.

Side Chick by Alkaline. Bro. BRO. This song is unfair. Genuinely unfair. This is a fire jam of the highest order, the kind of riddim that hits and suddenly madam, who is your legal, certified, ring-on-finger, met-your-shosho main chick, is winding her waist like she is somebody’s best-kept secret. The song gaslights you in real time. Alkaline has the supernatural ability to convince a wife of seven years that she is the other woman in her own bedroom. Add it to the playlist, but know exactly what you are inviting into the room.

Twinkle by Dexta Daps though. Now this one. This one is dangerous. This song is personally responsible for at least 60% of the November babies in Buruburu. There is something about Dexta Daps that makes Kenyan women forget their M-Pesa PIN, their CV, the fact that they have a 6am meeting, and occasionally their husband’s name. The man’s voice alone is a contraceptive failure. Play with caution. The Ministry of Health needs to put a warning sticker on this thing.

Wine Slow by Gyptian is the safe option. The polite friend you bring to meet your parents. Smooth, respectful, will not embarrass anybody. You can play this in front of your mother-in-law and she will tap her foot innocently while sipping her chai. Meanwhile in the bedroom it does exactly what its title says, no more no less, very disciplined energy. Civil servant of a song.

And do not get me started on Ya Levis. Eh? Si tuwachie hapo. That man has caused more emotional damage to Nairobi babes than WhatsApp University and Twitter Spaces combined. One song from Ya Levis and women are texting their exes, blocking their exes, unblocking them, getting back together, breaking up, booking a one-way Bolt to Kileleshwa at 2am, applying for passports, all within four minutes. He should be regulated by the CAK.

But back to the main question. Do you actually use these playlists or are they just for show?

Because I suspect, and I am just saying I suspect, that most of you have a playlist titled “Mood 🔥” that has not been opened since 2022. You made it once when you thought sister-wife was coming over, she did not come, and now it sits there. A monument to ambition. A digital “what could have been”. Meanwhile your most played playlist is actually called “Gym” and it has Bongo Flava, one Bensoul song you do not remember adding, and inexplicably an Embarambamba song.

So drop your actual freaks-only rotation in the comments. Not the cultured one. Not the Sade one (Sade is the rice of Naughty playlists, do not embarrass yourself). The one that has made you do things you cannot tell your therapist about. The one that has caused you to send “you up?” texts at hours that even God has gone to bed.

...Fight me in the comments.

Actually wait. Hold on. Before you type anything. Before you defend your tracklist. Before you tell me about that one Burna Boy song that has never failed you. Let me eat my words in public, like a grown person.

Cue Smooth Operator by Sade.

Yes. I know. I called her the rice of Naughty playlists. I stand by it.

So press play. Let Sade do what Sade does. Let that saxophone slide in like an ex with unfinished business. Let her whisper “no need to ask, he’s a smooth operator” and watch the whole room change temperature. Watch madam tilt her head. Watch the lights dim themselves. Watch your hand find her waist without your permission. Watch the candle lean in to listen.

So curate carefully, guys. Vet your tracks. Test your speakers. Handle Alkaline with gloves because he will have your woman feeling like the other woman in her own house. Handle Dexta Daps with gloves too. Let Gyptian set the pace. Let Ya Levis break a few hearts along the way. And when the night is winding down, when the candle is on its last breath, when madam is looking at you like she has decisions to make...

You let Sade in. Quietly. Like a professional.

Class dismissed. See you in the comments. And whoever lies about their playlist, may your Bluetooth disconnect at the worst possible moment.